i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
