my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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