Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
