Taylor Swift is so right about you.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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