you told grandpa to call you daddy
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
