So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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