he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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