this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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