so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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