We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
