Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
