Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
