is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
