Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
