You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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