I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
