please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
