Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
