I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
