She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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