Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
