my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
