Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
