i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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