the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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