South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
