Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
