i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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