If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
