So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
