FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
