he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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