i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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