I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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