why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
