you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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