I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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