Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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