Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
