i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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