I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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