also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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