I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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