At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
