another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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