I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
