Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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