Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Terrible idea I love it
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
