Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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