I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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