cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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