my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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