my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
