I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
