Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
